Dry January: Discipline or Foolishness?
Booze is my most committed relationship, but some people know nothing about commitment! Yet, every year, some folks pretend to give it up especially in January. Yes, we’re talking about Dry January, the challenge of abstaining from alcohol for the first month of the year, which is becoming increasingly popular.
According to a report, 25% of American adults successfully completed Dry January last year. That means every fourth person stayed away from alcohol for an entire month! Sounds impressive, right? Many people attempt this challenge, but my question is why?
Some people enjoy doing Dry January, and some even complete it year after year. Oh, wow! Congratulations! But is it really such a great achievement? Not everyone has the luxury of quitting booze, especially those who are trapped in reality. With so many problems in the world wildfires, bird flu, crippling gambling addictions—is staying away from alcohol really the smartest choice?
Why January?
If you’re going to quit drinking, why do it in January? It’s the coldest time of the year. The streets are covered in snow, the sun sets too early, and your overweight friends are flooding Instagram with gym selfies. Giving up booze in January feels like a conspiracy against yourself!
If you truly must pick a month, May would be a much better option. The weather is pleasant, and we’re already hyped up for Cinco de Mayo! But no, people insist on making January dry.
A More “Fun” Alternative?
If you’re not into Dry January, don’t worry. There’s something even more ridiculous—Damp January. What’s that?
Damp January is for people who don’t want to quit drinking entirely but want to drink less. Some limit drinking to special occasions, others add more “dry days” to their schedule, and some just reduce their alcohol intake per sitting.
Damp January? Seriously? It sounds like the name of an ’80s stripper! Just say you’re drinking less. Why does everything need a label? This is like someone saying, “I’m in a short-term situationship,” when, in reality, they just had a one-night stand with the coat check girl!
If You Quit Booze, What Will You Drink?
If you’ve actually decided to quit alcohol, then what are you going to drink when you’re out with friends? The answer is mocktails!
These are alcohol-free versions of cocktails, and today, there’s a booming market for non-alcoholic wines, beers, and spirits. Last year, the industry made over $13 billion in sales! Celebrities are cashing in too Katy Perry launched her booze-free beverage, and Tom Holland now has his own non-alcoholic beer company.
Some people proudly sip on fancy “bubbly rosé” and say, “You can add alcohol if you want!” Dude, then why call it non-alcoholic in the first place? If Thomas Edison were alive today, he’d probably die laughing!
Where’s the Fun in That?
If I ever order an “elderberry hibiscus fizz,” please make sure to garnish it with a loaded gun! These drinks sound about as exciting as getting an enema—which, by the way, you can also add alcohol to! It’s called boofing. If you’re curious, Google it!
Final Verdict: If You Want to Quit, Just Quit—But Stop Making Excuses!
In the end, everyone has their own choices. Some want to quit drinking, some don’t. But if you’re out with friends and can’t find anything to drink, then maybe Dry January isn’t for you. And if you find yourself at Dave & Buster’s, trust me—you’ll end up getting wasted just like me!
One final warning if you ever see me playing Dance Dance Revolution, stay away. Because I tend to wet my pants mid-game!
